the past is the past...

Well divorce is a ugly thing. Even though my parents separated 17 years ago, still to this day I am dealing with the hurt of it. I've believed the lie that I was the reason for my parents divorce. I was and still to this day sometimes have been the middle person. Not that it was my fault. My dad hated my mother. I'm not sure for what reason, but nevertheless I had to be the mediator. Maybe I didn't have to be, but what was an 8 year old to do? I saw some nasty things back then. Never new someone so close to me could be so cruel to someone else so close. Anyway, because I was so young I did not know how to deal with it. So, I shut down. Nobody else could get in to hurt me again. I got good at hiding everything. Good at smiling, despite the fact that inside I was dieing. Dieing for someone to see me. Dieing for someone to rescue me. Since then, I met my rescuer. He has given me life again. I may have relived the pain, but He is showing me where He was. The whole time He was there. Now, I'm walking out forgiveness. Yes, it is hard. I love both my parents and would give my life for each of them. And I'm leaving the past in the past. It's time to move on...

Little Girl Why So Afraid?

Little girl why so afraid?
You hold so much hurt and so much pain.
Why do you isolate yourself,
trying to hide it away?

Neglected, abandoned, pushed aside,
she asks, "is there some one out there to hear my cry?"

How many hearts are breaking daily?
How many children are losing there families?

I cry out for those like me who are broken,
for the lives the enemy has stolen.
I will fight for those,
like me who have lost there voices.
No longer keep quiet, no longer in silence.

Where is the connection? ...through Christ.

I have lost my connection... my connection with pure worship. I had a heart to lead, to play worship music without trying to be someone special. I felt as if God gave me a gift that I have now taken for granted. A gift I rather not use if I am to abuse it. For what good is my guitar if I am to use it improperly? If I am to be selfish and want personal gain, than the guitar means nothing to me. Even if, it was a gift from my father. If I can not play with a pure heart it is worthless to me and my father, I want only to please the Father, and I can not do so if my heart is full of junk. So, I will go to the Father and ask for Him to help me clean it up. And then once ready, only then will I play/lead again.

...since the last time

So, I failed again. I started something that I didn't finish. But now is the time of change. The time I say no more. I will finish, no matter how it turns out. I will run the race, I will not give up. I have opinions that I can share if I want to. So what if no one reads it. I will get out what is in the nothing space, or the something space of my mind. As long as I get it out. That is all that matters. I am determined to be a world changer. I am determine to change the things in life I don't like. I am DETERMINE! No one can stop me. No one will stop me. I dream big. I have always dreamed big and then was discouraged, by someone or by something. I say it ends today. It ends now. No MORE discouragement. It has been a year since I decided to write, and I have wrote nothing. It's been a bad, and a GOOD year. Until next time...